Don’t See The Transformers Movie

A few weeks back a good friend and I went and saw the Transformers movie (IMDB) – and let me tell you something: I was filled with rage. Tremendous, gigantically, terrifying rage that would hunt you down and make you wee your pathetic little bed at night just because. And that’s an understatement of my rage.

The movie, in all it’s lacking glory and story, sucked. Basically just a good ol’ down-on-yer-knees kind of thing. Imagine the ugliest, fattest, crippled whore in the world with braces, going down on you. And she’s using her teeth. If you can imagine that, then you’ve still got some imagining to-do, since this movie is The American Nightmare.

In order to save mankind, the world and the entire universe from this motoristic, pornographic advertisement of the US Army, God himself sent me to this planet to warn everyone about this blasphemous spout of dribble. “A Buddhist monk should be kind and patient”, as todays spam mail filled with Japanese knowledge told me. But I am no Buddhist and I ain’t no goddamned monk, therefore I don’t need to be kind and patient. This movie was a bad combination of puke, shit and American Pie-movies. I mean, if you’re into those filthy things I daresay Transformers is the movie for you, I’d still not recommend it.

I like robots, especially fighting ones that’ll crush a mere human or a donkey with one bone-crushing kick just because they’re awesome. Like me. And the Transformers…I can digg them in a way, but this movie wasn’t about transforming trucks at all; it was all about a retarded loser boy who needed a car to get laid with a slut. Oh man what a loser he was! Believe me, I can tell a loser apart from a winner – because I’m a winner and you’re not. But that’s not the point here; the point I’m trying to make is that when I got into the cinema I expected pure mecha-awesomeness and a lot of dead people everywhere. Perhaps my great expectations was too much and too serious? Maybe I should’ve only expected Jar-Jar as the leading character and all the robots was shooting flowers out of their asses? Perhaps I’d be satisfied then.

As true as a naughty girl needs love too, this movie had no naughty girls and therefore there should be no love in it. Except for murderous robots from an alien planet that loves to kill humans with their lasers and tachyon beams. But no, it was just the retarded boy again and again and again. If I’d wanted to see a retarded loser try to hit on a slut, I’d rather go see Rainman and American Pie simultaneously. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the movies a few weeks back and saw a good Transformers movie? No? Because it did not happen! There IS NO GOOD TRANSFORMERS MOVIE! It’s just Michael Bay’s $120 million worth of ejaculation spewed all across some retarded boy – and boy, I’d pay more to see that than this crap!

If you’re stupid enough to not stay away from this hideous creature of a Hollywood movie, I can only give you one advice: Remember to choose which side to leave the cinema before the lights go out and the movie starts, so you’re ready to bust out of there when you see how right I was all along. Here’s a picture for you so you’ll remember: