Shades of GAY ASS BORING

They say that the Internet is built on two things: Pornography and Star Trek. At least that’s what Rick Berman – producer of Star Trek: The Next Generation – seemed to believe. I do not want to prove him wrong of this fact, that’s why I can from now on only write about the mentioned subjects. Spoilers will be imminent.

Although I’m assessing the pornography-task, I do have some spare time – that is, for my hands – to write about one certain episode in the Next Generation-universe: Season 2, episode 148 entitled “Shades of Gray”. It’s the last episode in second season FYI. And it fills me with infernal nerd rage.

This episode, a part from all episodes on Season 1 and 2 incluced, is a load of Klingon bullshit. It does, as a fact, not include any klingon (not even Lt. Worf) and teaches us nothing about how humans kick ass with their Prime Directive in one hand and a Phaser (set to kick ass, and kill) in the other. It does however include Commander William T. Riker almost getting killed by a tree. Yeah you read it alright! So, because of mister Doofus Riker, which I will call him for the remainder of my text, the Trekkies get to see flashbacks which usually occurs when one of the main characters in a TV-series get knocked unconcious. Think of it as Star Trek’s answer to when MacGyver got into a coma. (And although the episode had bits of Murdoc, it still sucked.)

Instead of creating poor, positronic-related jokes about Datas sexual capabilities, I started inventing my own episode of TNG – all while watching “Shades of Gray”. It went something like this:

Lots of people get killed by vicious rays of lightning and budget cuts, including all of the main characters except from councelor Deanna Troi and transporter chief O’Brien. We’re then taken into the transporter room, for some akward and stupid reason…

Troi: Ohh, what happened?
O’Brien: Well don’t ask me, I’m just a transporter chief.
Troi: Excuse me?
O’Brien: Although the other people’ve died, I’m just a transporter chief.
Troi: Then what about me?
O’Brien: …whatever you want to be, except from transporter chief, because that’s what I am.
Troi: Why?
O’Brien: It’s the easiest job on the ship, and I only get to transport you important guys whenever somethings happening – meaning I’ve only got to work every .00214 stardates!
Troi: You’re not taking this horrible incident seriously!?!
O’Brien: Sure I am. I’m taking it the best way I can.
Troi: How?
O’Brien: By being transporter chief, doing what I do best.
Troi: But we’ve got to do something!
O’Brien: Err..like what?
Troi: Contact Starfleet and receive help!
O’Brien: Impossible.
Troi: No it’s not.
O’Brien: Yes it is.
Troi: No, it’s not.
O’Brien: Yes. It. Is.
Troi: No it isn’t!
O’Brien: Yes it is, because I say so.
Troi: But you’re just a transporter chief, you can’t possibly know!
O’Brien: Correction, I am a transporter chief with a phaser.
Troi: Chief O’Brien! Have you gone mad?!?
O’Brien: Certainly not. I’m merely protecting my interests.
Troi: Which is?
O’Brien: Having violent sexual intercourse with non-earthian lifeforms.
Troi: Mad! You’ve gone mad!!! And what’s with that look…?!
O’Brien: …
Troi: …and…that…smile?

Then, with Star Trek-suddenness, O’Brien stuns Troi with his phaser. He then lifts her up and carries her toward holodeck 4, while yelling “Computer! Arrange holodeck 4 with Transporter Chief O’Brien’s personal resting-program. And this time I want my velour sheets clean!”.

THE END.

Now, that made me ready and willing. For the third of seven seasons of TNG. Plot in course, warp 8.8. Make it so…and…engage!