Tits, Violence and War - it’s 300!

I’ve just come home after a good walk from the movies. A good friend of mine and I went to Colosseum (in Oslo) to see Frank Miller’s 300. If you care, dare or is stupid enough - continue reading this review. You must or will be drunk. This will spoil it all - the movie, your dinner and/or your sexual engagement with a co-worker.

From early on we nerds are taught that the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is 42. There is no doubt that Douglas Adams was wrong when he so carefully put the two digits next to each other in the radio show (which later on got to be a book) called the “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”. If someone asks me anything, I can, thanks to Adams, tell them with a soft voice, that whatever it might be - the answer is 42. Though apart from the Guide, there is no scripture of any kind revealing that the answer is 42. Hence its trueness is debated among everyone - even nerds.

As a firm believer of 42, I got my Trial of Faith today. The movie that derived from Frank Miller’s story, 300, was a movie that taught me new things about myself, questioning 42 and keeping my spirit up for reading comic books. In the beginning we learn about the ways of the Spartans; how strong and violent the society’s kids have to be to survive. Then as we get to see first sign of violence (can’t be more than, what 2-4 minutes into the film?) we feel the Spartan’s need for blood. Not soon after we get introduced to a nice pair of tits.

First there’s a girl who’ve been sacrificed to the old gods or whatever (messengers or middle-man, I couldn’t concentrate enough) and we clearly get shown two things: 1) She’s a bit cold with her nipples out like that, and 2) There’s a new standard to movies considering nudity in movies rated below adult (or 18 year old-limit as we say in Norway). The other pair of very good tits we get to see is the tits of Lena Headey (photo) who plays the Queen of Sparta. And there’s also some moaning while the good king teaches the queen how to behave (She’s a naughty one). Now I can imagine all girls reading this - whoever it might be - would flip a bit from my last lines of text. Well let me tell you girls on how this improves the movie, especially for the male audience:

A good pair of tits is like a good and strong scent is for a tracking dog - we know something good is incoming. When a guy see a good pair of tits his brain tells his master, meaning the cock (that has absolute controll over the male body), that he’s found something he should be rewarded for. The reward in this case means perfectly adjusted senses. So if a guy could get closer to the pair of tits, he could feel them without the physical touch. So when we’re introduced to Lena Headey’s tits, we prepare our mind and body for anything.

Then we (the audience) got bathed in violence and gore. This movie lasted about 2 hours I think, and I loved every blood-flowing minute of it. Before the movie started, my friend told me that there was a 45-minute long battle-scene in the movie. Now where did that go? I mean I didn’t feel like time was at it’s regular pace when I saw the movie. At the time I was hyper on sugar and my senses was so adjusted (thanks Headey!) that I couldn’t stop smiling when tons upon tons of people died on screen. It was a bloddy mess of a movie and so much concentrated manliness that I thought the producers had gotten a small drop of liquidated Chuck Norris - even though that’s impossible since Chuck Norris can’t cry and can only break a sweat if he wants to. If I didn’t feel like slashing someone up before, I do now. Thank you Frank Miller, and thank you Zack Snyder (director) for making such a manly movie.

I can’t rate it since I still got Headey’s tits on me mind. (And I’ve got a few beers in me.)
Good night and 300….I mean 42.

Edit: If there’s one page you’d check out, the Official 300 Page would be it.