How-To Improve Iron Man (w pics)

So, Iron Man was awesome, eh? It made you blow soda out of your nose, popcorn out your ears, and you had to change your underwear when you got home afterwards?

Turns out it ain’t so. At least not for me - not yet. While watching the movie yesterday, my imagination conjured up a list of improvements to Iron Man: (contains spoilers)

1. Sharks with friggin’ lasers

With the insanely improved technology Stark Industries uses, like the ARK-reactor, why haven’t they created lasers that can be mounted onto sharks? If not just for warfare, torture and showcasing, it’s just totally awesome:

I would buy at least two. Three, maybe.

2. Nudity and/or cut the romance

First of all, how could the creators give this movie a PG-rating of PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned)? Except from cashing in more money, it doesn’t improve the movie at all. How can a parent explain to its children things like the need of violence, why it’s funny with alcohol and a pole dancing stewardess?

Or why does Tony Stark’s women - apparently he has a lot of sex - get so much attention? Should a 13-year old kid know about such filth? Is that the message the producers wants to give to the children watching?

An improvement would be to raise the PG-rating. Then you could have nudity, especially nude stewardess’ since they were really hot, and not worry about the kids at all. Since they wouldn’t be allowed to see it. Too bad I couldn’t find a shot from the pole dancing-scene. (If anyone finds pictures, write link in a comment, please)

Another thing was the Hollywood-romance in the movie. It just shouldn’t be there. Kids don’t give a shit that Tony Stark loves miss Potts. They - like everyone else - only wants the action. My solution: Remove the romance, or cut it down to a total of 30 seconds.

3. More casualties and blood/gore

Let’s face it, there’s too few dead people in this movie. If we do the count, how many innocent people are killed? None. The only ones considered “good guys” who gets beaten up are the SHIELD-men, who gets to taste the wrath of Iron Monger (the evil mecha). That’s like, three or four tops.

Hell, even Iron Monger calls the people inside a car he lifts up for collateral damage. I bet $100 that the car would’ve self-ignited while airborne and explode, if they’d raise the PG-rating (again with the ratings!). Iron Man wouldn’t give a shit about it either, because he would be busy using elderly people as meat shield against Iron Monger. That‘d rule.

The “bad guys” who gets killed in this movie don’t bleed. It’s like a vampire was visiting right before the movie shooting, draining their blood. It makes all violence-scenes feel ridiculous.

If we add all the important numbers - total amount of dead peple and destruction of things/buildings - you get this graph:

It’s the same syndrom the Transformers movie suffered from - the No Killing of Innocent People-syndrome. If you can’t kill innocent bystanders, you ain’t worthy of mecha robots fighting to their deaths.

4. Realistic operating systems and robots

Okay, I knew there was going to be alot of silly and fictional computer systems. Since the main character, Tony Stark, is a genius when it comes to creating weapons, it’s a dead giveaway he should be able to create anything technologic - even operating systems.

So I let it rest and just enjoyed the tidbits of action we occasionally got. Untill I saw the unbelieveable screensaver-button which miss Potts uses to hide the transfer, of top secret documents, from Obadiah Stane:

Gosh, the writers behind this movie surely knows how to be creative! They must’ve thought like this: Okay, she gets started with the documents, but then Obadiah enters and makes a long speech about Tony. To increase the suspense, it takes at least one and a half minute before miss Potts click on the screensaver-button.

And what is it about annoying Disney-like robots in movies? Did Tony Stark invent them too? Why couldn’t he improve the “Dummy”-robot instead of just scolding it all the time? It’s like he wanted it imperfect so he could have someone to blame if his inventions didn’t sell.

Let’s just wrap this section up with Jarvis, the sarcastic and pestering OS. You know what he - if you actually can give OS’ a gender - reminds me of? A combination of C-3P0 and Jar-Jar Binks:

5. Dark Knight-trailer

Seriosly, it’s time someone gave the trailer-arrangers a smack or two. Since I’m a DC Comics-boy (Batman, Vertigo etc…) and not much of a Marvel-fan, I really wanted to see a Dark Knight-trailer on the big screen. Even a short one would’ve done the trick.

But that didn’t happen, nosirre! Maybe it’s due to the fact Iron Man is a Marvel-owned comics. Though I believe if you’d put a trailer to a movie which is going to kick so much ass, people would’ve wanted to see that movie instead of the featured one.

Summary of list

The Iron Man-movie is a good movie, but the PG-rating was focused solely on earning money instead of satisfying the audience with adulted scenes. If you haven’t seen it, you should. Although I ain’t really sure it’s worth the ticket.

The only movie between me and The Dark Knight, is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I’m really looking forward to both, yet I do not regret seeing Iron Man.