Almost-Extinct Animals - Do We Need ‘Em?

Matador.org wrote a piece about 10 “precious” animals that’s on the verge of extinction. It’s all good to be informed about it, but the question pops out: Do we need ‘em? What good are they to us?

Let’s investigate it further, and see if we can’t get on in the world without at least some of them. First one up:

Mountain Gorilla (Gorilla beringei beringei)

This is how Matador.org describes them:

Gorillas are our closest relative after chimpanzees with an almost 98 percent DNA match. The remaining 600 individuals face habitat loss through deforestation, poaching, circus use, effects of political unrest, and human diseases such as measles.

Let me tell you what this means:

• The remaining 600 dies because they’re involved in guerilla warfare (political unrest), spend all their dough on circus and simply because they can’t afford medicine (too much circus)
• They can’t cope with the urban city life. Send ‘em back to the country side! Damn hillbillies!
• They’re about 2 percent imperfect. Too bad, otherwise I’d know where to get a wild piece of ass…

This one’s a no-brainer: Line ‘em up and execute them. Lets move to the next species, which is the…

Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca)

Ahh, I don’t even need to read about them. Still, visitors might like to know:

Because of their notoriously low sex drives, captive pandas are shown pornographic videos to encourage mating. After more than a century of debate, recent DNA analysis concludes that the giant panda is more closely related to bears than to raccoons.

First of all, who cares if they’re closest related to a pussy or an ass?! I wouldn’t give a shit if they’d be related to a bucket of rotten fish. Why? Because they’re Emo. Yes, that’s right, with a capital E, since they’re what human emos try to be like - nonproductive and depressed.

Panda bears, in general, does not want to live. “Animal protectors” such as the World Wildlife Fund (or other organizations) try to keep them alive. Ever seen a happy panda? I have: It was dead. It looked like the world’s happiest panda; the painful torments of living was finally over and only heaven (filled with bamboo) was next.

Protect these miserable creatures? Let’s torch the lot of ‘em, I say. Speaking of burning and bears, this brings me to the…

Polar Bear (Ursus maritimus)

These warrior bears are to be respected, with limitations of course. Matador tells us:

Arctic polar bears are threatened by global warming. They must fast longer in the summer due to melting sea ice. In 2007, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service proposed to list the polar bear as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act.

As of May 14th 2008, the Polar Bear was listed on the ESA. The decision was crucial as 29.7 million acres of the Chukchi Sea, which supports polar bear populations, are set to be opened to oil and gas activities.

This is natural selection at best; we’re more advanced than the polar bear, so we win. If the polar bears could wield uzis and drive snowmobiles, we’d be dead within a week. Nothing beats an uzi-wielding polar bear on a snowmobile.

I live in a country where there’s tons of it buried in the sea ground, and because of it we’re an industrialized country. If I had to choose to either save the polar bears, or earn one third of what I do while working three times as hard, I wouldn’t hesitate. Polar bears, schmolar bears…

There’s only two things that’s positive about the polar bears:

1. Their hide makes excellent warm clothes for us to wear when it’s cold outside
2. They kill lots of seals, even the babies, although they suck somewhat at it

Apart from those two measly facts, there’s nothing to it! Let ‘em starve or even sweat to death so we can dig out some more of that precious oil. This gives us a…

Morbid conclusion

Kill ‘em all. Let them drown, burn and rot - we don’t need any of them. If people are so in love with them, why don’t they just live with them? See how they cope with the polar bears in the freezing artic (which will be a nice, warm place when global warming has done its tricks), or when being frantically raped by gorillas.

I got a job to do, money to earn and coffee to consume. I’d also be a seal clubber if I didn’t have anything else to do…like eating large amounts of bacon. In the sun.

(Source: Matador.org)