Boobastic Usability Testing

Last week I got invited by, believe it or not, Haltemien to participate in a usability testing for a renovated design on his workplace’s webpage. I didn’t know it then, but an exciting adventure was ahead of me. It started with…

Morning small talk and coffee

Monday morning greeted with splashy rain, a shower and pancakes with bacon. Add a sexy, naked lady in there (before or after the bacon) and you get the definition on a good morning.

I arrived early at the subway station where I was supposed to meet Haltemien. I always arrive early, except for the time I was born. So I called Haltemien, told him to move his ass from his comfy chair and come down and greet me. First thing he said to me was “You need to shave”.

Haltemien was immediately feeling sexually threatened by my insane amounts of sheer manhood and machoism. He knew I’d charm all the girls at his workplace, so, of course, he sounded nervous. We trotted along like two deadbeats on a mission to nowhere.

After getting a cup of coffee and some small talk (they’ve got like, three midgets or something), I was ready; the people were ready, and the computer was ready. The usability testing could finally commence.

It went something like this:

A small room, with a large desk with a laptop on top. Three people: a guy, a woman and me. They’re both danish, working for a webdeveloper company in Denmark. I get to sit between them, in front of the laptop and a camera behind me - recording everything.

The woman got a hot, plunging neckline. The guy looks average 28-ish, a horrific combination of fresh developer/greased salesman. I take another observational look on her…layout. Just for reassuring myself that they’re real. Good God, I think, I’d like to plunge deep into her Valley of Love.

She starts talking, with a speedy danish accent I can only understand a quarter of. I’m distracted by my own train of thoughts. Those danish people are known all around the world for their liberal views on sex, and… is the camera getting this? I reply a gentle “Huh?!” to her, and this time I focus.

Very red

“What’s you’re initial thought of the design?” she asks, “Boob…red! Red. Very red.” I answer - a tad nervous. “Oo-okay,” she continues, “now tell me what do you see.”. Nice boobs. A decent set of kazookas. Human melons, I silence invading thoughts, “The front page of [company], lots of red, and my attention is immediately led towards the right-bottom side. The loan advertisement.”.

The guy doesn’t say a word. He’s scribbling fast notes in his book. The Notetaker, I presume. Like a spy from an old James Bond movie, I distract the woman while carefully trying to read what he’s scribbled down. It’s too danish for me to grasp.

Back in ‘nam

I’ll do the old-Vietnam-veteran routine, I decide, and like a real professional prostitute I smoothly change facial expression. “Huh? What happened? A pop-up window?”, with a frustrated voice, “How did this happen?”. “You clicked on Add to Cart,” her voice is soothing, “and what do you see?”.

“God damned pop-ups. They always sneak up on you from behind, I tell you! Like, back in ‘nam I had the command over a whole squad, and those damn pop-up charlies where everywhere!”, getting over my head again…, “Back in Vietnam, you mean?” she’s confused, “I thought you said you were 21?”. “Look, young lady, age’s got nothing to do with it: The pop-ups are a big no-no.”. The guy scribbles like a maniac high on E.

“And this description text, right here, is bad. When I take off my glasses and shut my eyes, I can’t read it at all! The size and contrast must be increased.”, “But when you shut–”, “Hey! Who’s the tester here, eh? Now scribble that down, my little peon”. Is her nipples getting hard?, I look up and our eyes lock, whoa, she’s got that wild cat look in her eyes.

Like an epic battle between awesome and sexy, I penetrate her stare with an eye-trick master Wuo-Lu (rest in peace, sensei) taught me: two quick-prodding fingers, then a quick boob-grab for self pleasure. Then I’m outta there like a fart in a wind. I’ll miss those boobs…and that guy seemed neat too.

Honest to no one

Ok, maybe it didn’t go exactly like that, but it was damn close to what really happened. Alot some of it, at least. Her neckline was, as a matter of fact, deep and I was distracted several times by her knockers. Maybe she did it on purpose? I’ll never know for sure…

The page had lots of usability/accessibility issues, like:

• Too much red-coloured images; they stole my attention from more important content
• Pop-ups; inline (aka. lightbox) ones which held the most vital content (ordering information)
• Little or no information about down-payment alternatives
• The order confirmation told users that [company]’s employers would call during working hours to complete the deal - why didn’t they say so before?
• Bad contrasts on item description, small font size in general

I’d say it (the website) had a very shades-of-white kind of Apple-ish feel to it, which I personally don’t approve of. Still, talk of an exciting way of spending your monday, eh? I’ll leave the rest up to the chorus and break out of here (work). It’s Friday, after all…