My FF7: Crisis Core Review

I finally got my hands on my boss’ PSP and a copy of the hyped-up Final Fantasy 7: Crisis Core. I didn’t get to play as long as I probably should have, but the experience I got told me enough. My review goes like this:

I’m a fanboy, yes indeedo

First off, I got to say that I’m a FF7 fanboy. I’ve killed the Weapons-bosses, I’ve collected and mastered all the materia (even mastered a Knights of Round, phew!), and I’ve got all characters at level 99 with all Limit Breaks. Even if Final Fantasy 7 was a cross-eyed midget woman with a limp, I’d totally propose to her.

Without bragging too much, you could say that I really looked forward to Square-Enix’ rape of the FF7 franchise. Milking the cow for what its worth doesn’t always yield sweet milk. (I bet the producers are busy bathing in money…) Let’s move on to the

Difficulty modes

Sayswhat? I mean, what the fuck? The game got two different (maybe more) modes of difficulty…why? Why would a RPG need two difficulty modes? Oh, that’s right, because it’s a shitty “ACTION RPG”, that’s why! Since I’m a FF7 veteran, so-to-speak, I didn’t hesitate; I chose Hard Mode. Here’s why:

Normal Mode

On normal mode you’re like these two asian fellows: Happy, careless, safe and not afraid of the world’s horror and inhumanity. You’ll easily play the game without any tough opponents and you can even have a friend lay next to you without distractions.

In fact, you might need a friend (with a cheese breath) beside you in bed just to make it harder to play. It’s too easy and Square-E should’ve named it just that: Too Easy Mode. Or maybe I’m A Big Pussy Mode…anyways, here’s what I chose:

Hard Mode

“Jesus! Was that a facehugger that just face-fucked my friend’s face?! And what is that thing…it sort of looks like an Alien’s tongu—BLAHGHarhGahrharhaw! *bloody squish-nosies*”

That’s Hard Mode: You and your friend gets attacked by facehuggers, aliens and some weird squidthingy. When I played, it was like “BOOM! Chaka-riggg.” and then I died. Well, not at first, but when I was out on my first mission some Wutai-ninjas whopped my sore ass. That brings me to the next issue:

Logo and the combat system

Okay, so it’s an ARPG and not a regular FF type of game I was hoping for. But what about the combat – any hope there? Unfortunately, no. The combat system was solemnly created for hyperactive kids who’d skip sequences just to get to the combat.

The tutorial for beginners wasn’t very teaching. It just said, on a message screen, what buttons you should mash and what didn’t do shit. Heck, I even learned more about how the in-game e-mail system worked! Was it “FF7: E-mail Core”? Hell no, ’twas a button masher game mixed with some FF7 franchise cheese.

That’s why I think that the FF7:CC logo should be replaced from this:

…to this:

I never got to learn the history for “Crisis Core”, why it was dubbed that and so on, but I can say this: It didn’t ensnare me inside it’s trap of nice graphics and koinky-dinky combat system. I believe I never even got to the first boss.

The characters

There’s not much to say, as I didn’t get to see some real character development (I probably would’ve died anyways). But what I did experience can be summarized into this:

Zack Fair, our protagonist

Much like the players this game is designed for, Zack is transformed from a cool stay-in-the-background type of guy to the HEY-LOOK-I’M-THE-NEXT-TIDUS! guy… Not awesome at all, and it felt like I was playing FFX during the sequenses, as Zack’s only replies was either “Huh?” or “Cool!“.

Sephiroth, antagonist (and soon-to-be-nemesis)

Yepp, he still owns. No question about it.

Review conclusion

This piece of expensive garbage should’ve never been made. Actually, it shouldn’t even been thought about – not even in the toilet. After I played this game I immediately ran to to the toilet to wash my hands in shitwater. Anything was better than that!

Why couldn’t they’ve just created a game with the same battle system as the original Final Fantasy 7? Was that too hard? Would they sell less if they’d made it into a real game? The answer is: Fuck no! They’d sell more than they’ve already done.

This game felt like a waste of my precious time – so precious that I had to write a post about it – and is not worth the price. If I’d to give it a score, I’d give it a 6 … out of 23046598069450^10. Seriously, guys at Square-Enix, get those fat fingers out of your asses and make a quality game instead! Douchebags…