USS Apathy Reporting For Duty!

I watched the live stream release on Star Trek Online gameplay video, yesterday, and I’m ready to beam into my own ship. I’ll be one hell of a commander; I’d go at them with the Machiavellian style of Riker, and the snob-nosed arrogance Jean-Luc got through TNG. These are the rules:

Rules onboard the USS Apathy:

• New clothing codex: All men, except superior officers, got to wear fully redshirts clothing. The women, on the other hand, got to wear red skirts. Tight ones.
• No klingon cooks: That’s right, I can’t stand their harsh lust for hog eyes or live Jar-Worms from Bethai 09. All klingons aboard my ship, whatever their ranks may be, shall be reassigned to hard labour work.
• Chinese waitresses in Ten-Four: Wearing japanese school girl uniforms, they’re not allowed to be as obnoxius and “all knowing” as Guinan. And all synthehol will be banished on the ship and on a 1 km radius around the ship.
• No scottish engineers or transporter people: That’s a default. Should be mandatory on every goddamn starship in the universe. Anyone drinking scotch for breakfast, lunch and dinner shouldn’t have the power to tear people apart on a molecular level.

Rules offboard the USS Apathy (aka “Shore rules”):

• Klingon thugs dual-wield chainsaws: Although it’s the future, and there exists alot of mini-vacuum phasers, a klingon dual-wielding chainsaws tend to hasten any diplomatic issue there might be on-planet.
• Female officers in leash: I call for extra ’sexurity’, get it? All of my foxy female officers shall wear a leash, with a maximum length of 45 meters.
• Imminent sex? I’ll decide: If we’re to meet strange new worlds, new civilizations, meet their inhabitants and fuck them, I, the captain, will have the final saying in who gets to do what with who.

Apart from those rules and the fact that the bride is restricted to high-end officers only, and anyone named Wesley/Crusher, there aren’t any – except have fun boldly raiding, pillaging and raping alien planets, habitants and animals! Welcome aboard!